Try Out the LOVE Strategy

Try out the LOVE strategy below!

Listen — Listening with your whole heart means listening without distraction, devices, or interruptions. It means setting aside your desire to “figure out what to say next” and simply take in what is being said, reflecting it back, and waiting. Instead of, “stop crying” maybe asking “I see tears in your eyes, what are they saying?”

Oversee — While someday our children will be fully functional, independent beings, if they are under the age of 18, they deeply need you and other adults. They have a primary need for another set of eyes on their lives. Watching their grades, their friends, their activities, are all important aspects of overseeing their growth and development. Oversee means “to look after, to watch.” Go have lunch with your child at their school, show up to a sports practice or volunteer at their math club. Let them feel and see your presence in their lives.

Vitality — A large part of human connection is based on “feeling felt.” Dr. Robert Brooks, Harvard psychologist, says children need charismatic adults in their lives. Adults who feel passionate about something and relay that to the child. Dr Brooks defines a charismatic adult as a person who a child feels connected to and from whom the child gathers strength (Goldstein &Brooks, (2005). Show emotion, be passionate, and model that life is, above all, an exciting adventure. Jane E. Dutton, PhD, studies high-quality connections and defines connection as “the dynamic, living tissue that exists between two people when there is some contact between them involving mutual awareness and social interaction. The existence of some interaction means that individuals have affected one another in some way, giving connections a temporal as well as an emotional dimension” (Dutton et. al., (2003).

 Expect — When a child is listened to, feels safe, soothed, connected and secure, they have the ability to meet our high expectations. Expecting a child to excel without providing the necessary supports under their spring board is counterproductive. Make clear what you expect, and when they fall short, understand that, more than likely, the child doesn’t yet have either the emotional or intellectual skill to meet that expectation. Highlight the word “YET”. Expectations are good and necessary for healthy growth, as is understanding, empathy, and teaching skills to help reach those expectations. Expectations are predicated on relational consistency, communication and understanding, and connection!

Connect to protect! Understand your child is a unique individual. What their needs are from situation to situation will change. Taking time to connect and figure out, together with your child, the nest course of action is the foundation of connection. LOVE!

References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment. Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Loss. New York: Basic Books.

Dutton JE, Heaphy E. The power of high quality connections. In Cameron KS, Dutton JE, Quinn RE, eds. Positive Organizational Scholarship: Foundations of a New Discipline. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler; 2003:263–278. [Google Scholar]

Goldstein, S., & Brooks, R. B. (Eds.). (2005). Handbook of resilience in children.Kluwer Academic/Plenum Publishers. https://doi.org/10.1007/b107978

Harlow, H. F. & Zimmermann, R. R. (1958). The development of affective responsiveness in infant monkeys. Proceedings of the American Philosophical Society, 102,501 -509.

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